Forgive and integrate
Have you ever heard the phrases "forgive and forget" or "forgive and never forget"? Well, I've never really liked either of those phrases so let's change them into something new, something that's actually possible like "forgive and integrate". Now I can't take credit for this phrase, but when someone close to me told me this recently, it turned my world upside down in the best way possible! I believe this is something that could be a real solution to our problem when we are in our forgiving and healing process.
When something terrible happens to us, something completely out of our control, it can be extremely difficult to get to the point of being ready to forgive. I'm not talking about those little incidents that are not such a big deal, but rather those deep rooted wounds that take months or even years to get to the point of forgiveness. The things that can scar us emotionally or physically, which were done to us either intentionally or unintentionally. No matter the intention behind the action though, it can be hard for our hearts to let go of the sadness and anger.
As I begin my own healing and forgiving process, I have often found myself trying to figure out exactly what it looks to to forgive someone and move on to become whole again. I mean, how are we supposed to get past something that has shaken us to our core and made us lose control over our own thoughts? We sometimes contemplate that if we are willing to let go and forgive that person, does that let them off the hook for their actions when we feel like they are undeserving? When others are trying to help us cope, that is where the two phrases come in, forgiving and forgetting or forgiving and never forgetting, and to be honest that is plain confusing! Is it humanly possible to forgive another person and completely forget the traumatic event ever happened? Us humans are wired to remember any and all significant memories from our past, whether good or bad. We are almost incapable as humans to truly forget whatever happened to us that caused our hearts to become cold and bitter.
Then there is the never forgetting part. Whenever someone comes with this advice, it always seems to come from a place of resentment in their own hearts, and we can tell by the anger behind the words. It's almost as though they are not in the right mindset to truly forgive someone who has wounded them. The phrase "never forget" alludes to the idea that we need to always keep this action in the forefront our minds. The idea almost keeps us in bondage over our pain with our unwillingness to let go. That is where the phrase "forgive an integrate" comes into play. It is this new idea of forgiving but also learning to live with whatever happened, and at the same time not letting that action define who we are or letting it have control over our hearts and minds. It is the idea of learning to be able to live our lives unafraid if we run into that person who wounded us or even needing to be around them for the sake of others. The idea of integration allows us to fully heal, becoming happy and whole once again. Don't get me wrong, this isn't advice that will lead us to become whole again in a day or two. Forgiveness is a tedious process. A process that cannot happen in a short amount of time. But if we are willing to forgive another persons actions and integrate them into our lives, we have the ability to become whole again in time.
Integrating them into our lives isn't about them though, it's about us! It is about us being set free! It is our freedom to let go and breath again. It is about us not allowing fear or anger or hurt take control of our lives, but us having the control over those feelings!
