My Life With Depression; A Story of Redemption
Depression is one of those topics that has come up a lot in the past several years. There are some folks who want to say that it’s not real and people are making up these issues to gain sympathy. Then there are folks who run away with it and now all of a sudden everyone has a problem. Depression is somewhere in the middle of all of that. Yes it certainly is real, because the number three leading cause of death is death by suicide, but also to say that everyone has it takes away the severity from those who actually suffer.
For those who fight everyday to get through the emotions of not feeling good enough or feeling like the world would be a better place without you, I see you, and you are not alone.
The Beginning
I love telling my story, because I once was the person who kept it all in. I once struggled to tell others the dark thoughts in my head. I know that depression likes to make us believe that we must fight this alone, but if we’re honest with ourselves, we know we can’t.
I don’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t feel the way that I do now. There were many days I would come home from school, go to my room and explode with my emotions that I had bottled up all day. Tears would be flowing and I always thought to myself, I’m not good enough for this world.
When I turned 18 and went to my first doctors appointment as an adult, they had me fill out this questionnaire I had never seen before. After the doctor took a look at those results, he asked me a ton of follow up questions. That’s when my doctor looked at me and said “do you know you have major depressive disorder?” He began to explain what that was. I’m sorry what? You mean to tell me that not everyone feels this way? Not everyone feels like the world would be a better place without them?
After a Diagnosis
My doctor then asked me how I felt about getting on medication, and eventually started me on a depression medication. As a fresh adult who had never experienced freedom from depression before, I had no idea how I was supposed to feel. Looking back, my medication was probably too high of a dose for me at the time. I did call them “my happy pills” because no matter what happened to me, I couldn’t feel sad, even if I actually felt like I needed to cry.
After being on my medication for a little over a year, I decided by myself to stop taking them because I thought I was more than fine. I seemed happy, so I should be good to stop, right? Again, looking back and knowing what I know now, I definitely should not have done that. Going cold turkey from depression medication is very dangerous, and if you don’t already know how, you’ll know in a minute.
The Aftermath
When I was nineteen years old, I was working at a preschool. That day I was feeling great, until all of a sudden I got a text from my boyfriend. He decided that after almost a year of dating, we shouldn’t be together anymore. In that moment the same feeling I had felt so many times in the past came up again; feeling like the world would be a better place without me in it. This time though, it was so much more intense than I had ever experienced before.
Overwhelmed with sadness and grief, I walked straight out of work. They asked me on my way out where I was going and I just simply said that I had to leave. I walked to my car and that’s when I thought to myself, that’s it, the world needs to be a place where I don’t exist.
I drove back to my apartment full of hatred towards myself, went up to my room and started taking handfuls of various pills.
Out of the blue, a friend of mine that I hadn’t talked to in awhile called me. Unsure of why I answered, I just told her I was having a bad day and didn't want to talk. Unbeknownst to me she had a feeling something was wrong, called 911 and ended up saving my life. Within minutes paramedics, cops, and firemen all showed up at my apartment and rushed me to the hospital.
Our Lives Have Purpose
I knew right then and there that God was real and he had a purpose for my life. What that purpose was? I had no clue at the time. What I do know now is that I don’t live through something like that to turn around and not help others with the same exact mentality that I had that day.
This is why I talk so openly here on my blog about mental health. If I can help just one person, I know my efforts were all worth it in the end. This is also why I have started creating a line of clothing on Amazon to help spread awareness of mental health and God’s perfect love despite our brokenness. We were all created with a purpose, and even if you don’t know that purpose is yet, you’ll eventually figure that out. In the meantime, know that your life is important! The world needs you in it, and whenever you are feeling down about yourself, remember to give yourself “grace for the imperfections”.
