How to Cope When Depression Says You Can’t
It’s a perfect fall morning. I woke up after a great night of sleep, go downstairs at my normal 5am time. Grab my warm cup of coffee and add just a touch of pumpkin spice creamer. Sit on the couch and enjoy my quiet morning before it’s time to wake the kids up for school.
Six o’clock rolls around and we begin our morning routine. Nothing is out of the ordinary and the kids are pleasantly easy going. I get all five of them off to school on time with absolutely no hiccups.
There is no work for the day, for once, so I am eager to relax and refresh as I planned to do some blogging. Oh how another warm cup of coffee at my favorite coffee shop sounds delightful. But all of a sudden I am hit. I have run into a brick wall out of nowhere. The brick wall that is depression.
The Brick Wall
I’ve often tried explaining depression to those who don’t understand. Those who are fortunate enough not to deal with depression themselves. One of those ways I can describe it is a brick wall. Sometimes it builds up overtime and you get to a point where you can no longer climb over it. Other times, like this morning, you are running free and you run straight into it without warning. It completely stops you in your tracks and you are just stuck with no way out.
This morning was one of those days. I ran straight into it, and it hurt, I was instantly emotionally depleted with nowhere to go.
Along with feeling stuck, those feelings of not being good enough, for yourself or for others begins to get worse and worse until you feel like you can’t even stand. It doesn’t matter if you have actually been a good wife or mother or friend, at that moment you feel as though you aren’t and never will be.
Climbing Out
All I wanted to do in this moment was forget all of my beautiful and refreshing plans and go straight to bed to cry until it was time for school pickup. The thoughts in my head were just too painful to do anything but cry. All I could see was that my house was a mess, the kids clothes weren't folded or put away, the dishes were sitting in the sink, my house projects were undone. All I could think of was the unkind comments I have made towards my husband and how I have made him feel unseen and unloved, or my inability to be slow to anger with my kids when they fight or how I chose not to play a game with them when they asked nicely.
My brain began to run a marathon of all my wrongdoings and how unworthy I am of other peoples love.
That’s when I paused.
I need to make this stop.
How can I make this stop?
That’s when I intentionally chose to climb out. I changed my clothes, wiped up the mascara that had run down my face, purposefully stopped the downward spiral of thinking, and got out of the house. I went straight to my favorite coffee shop with my laptop in hand.
Climbing Over
I put on worship music. Music that would remind me who I am and whose I am. Music that fills my heart and brain with a message that says I am worthy of being kind to myself.
I sat in my favorite spot that is so comfy, and began sipping my warm cup of coffee.
It was then when I realized I was doing it, I was starting to climb over this depression wall. Though I didn’t feel worthy when I hit the wall, my soul was beginning to work its way the the other side, the side of knowing my value and worth. I was slowly regaining my strength and I felt so powerful.
In that moment I was able to see that I can get over the depression wall if I just begin to climb.
Even When You Don’t Believe You Can
Depression can drain you physically and mentally, but if you choose to redirect and just start climbing, you’ll eventually notice that you’re on the other side of that wall. It may take everything in you and more to decide to start climbing, but I have faith you can climb out.
You may encounter another depression wall the next day, and everyday after for months at a time, but each and every wall is worth climbing over. If one of those walls is tougher to climb over, just begin with a small step in the right direction. Each small step is a conscious decision to pull yourself out of depression.
You are worthy of feeling good about yourself!
Depression may rob you from a normal life. A life of carefree moments. A life of happiness and joy on a normal basis. What we shouldn’t allow depression to take away is our ability to move forward.
